Looking back, I’ve realized I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to gain the approval of other people. This was hard when I was younger because I was never a very popular girl. I always felt like the unimportant friend in my group and being someone who needed people’s attention to feel good about myself, the thought that I didn’t matter really hurt. This feeling wouldn’t only come up around my friends; I felt it when I was with my family too. Middle school was hard and in seventh grade I discovered a very bad habit. Self-harming became a daily activity for me by eighth grade and in ninth it had become so severe I couldn’t hide it anymore. By this time I had left my middle school because of bullying and was at a boarding school in New York. Although my actions didn’t show it I really loved it there.
In ninth grade my secret got out. Rumors started to spread and eventually it got to the nurse. Personally I think she overreached by telling everyone we had bed bugs and that we all needed immediate body searches. Everyone lined up to be checked except for me. I knew I had to hide because there was no way I could pass this test. The nurse ended up finding me and taking me back to her office. I had no other choice but to pull up my jeans and expose the cuts on my legs. I was suspended for about three weeks and came back to school with the condition that I get searched weekly. About half way through ninth grade I was expelled from school because of multiple suspensions and that I didn’t pass my search. Although I was kicked out of school because of it the self-harming didn’t stop.
It took a lot of time after being expelled before I was put into treatment. I was eventually sent to a hospital in Boston. This place that I absolutely hated when I first arrived became the place that saved my life. I met some of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life, one of them being a staff named Kim. I remember jumping for joy when she walked in the door and literally rapping myself around her legs not wanting her to leave at the end of the day. I don’t think she liked the nickname I gave to her but I called her Kim Possible because she always came to my rescue when I needed her. Of course she didn’t know this was the reason I called her that. She was the kindest person I have ever met and I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here without her.
Later during my time at my hospital I started going to the school on campus. It was a small, dysfunctional school with some even more dysfunctional people but I actually felt accepted there. The funny thing is once I had the acceptance I always wanted I had already realized I didn’t need it.
I learned more than I thought I could at that hospital and leaving that place was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I know that sounds kind of silly but it’s true. I was attached to that program because of the people and the memories I had made with them. Before I went to treatment I would have never thought I would be writing a published flaunt talking about how I succeeded in breaking my habit and came out of my hospital a better person.
And now I know that if I could do this, I really can do anything.